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Hey:
Thanks for your email. First, I thank
you for your courage and honesty to email that to us. Confession
of our sins to God (1John 1:9) and to the brethren (James
5:16) are important steps toward healing and loosening the
stranglehold of sin. You're in the right direction. Remorsefulness,
shame, anger, frustration are all necessary ingredients toward
fighting sin, and I'm glad you have them. It means you still
have some sensitivities to God and you still have a conscience
(though you will lose even these and become hardened to them
as the calluses continue to grow on your heart if you don't
remedy this).
But it's not enough.
The only way you're going to lick this is if God is at the
helm, providing you the wisdom and strength to do so. We know
that's not going to happen overnight because you're still
spiritually scrawny (if you don't mind me using that term).
You are too weak to take on the beast of pornography. That
would be like sending you into the ring against Mike Tyson.
You've tried to do it (and I'm sure you've tried hard) and
failed.
You have to go into serious spiritual training to build
up those spiritual muscles ... not so that YOU can defeat
"Tyson", but so that you can develop the skill and strength
of getting yourself off the throne and trusting and obeying
God, so that HE could defeat "Tyson" through you. The only
way I know to do that is by staying very close to Him all
the day. The only way I know to do that is to have His goals,
His vision, His heartbeat, His will, His GLORY pouring through
your soul, so you're really in tune and in step with Him.
The only way I know to do that is to have His word constantly
flowing through you to start rebuilding the ruins by re-laying
new foundation, re-structuring your value system, re-wiring
your conscience, and re-training your daily life habits.
I could go on and on, and if you want, we can spend time
this year coaching and training you. But I do not want to
spend time right now going over more advanced "strategies"
if you're not able to master the preliminary ones.
Remember, this is a process. You're not going to get out
of the hole you've dug yourself with one swift leap. You're
going to have to climb out of it one step at a time. If you're
too hasty or overconfident, you may slip and fall back down,
thereby quickly losing the ground that took you so long to
gain. Just understand that you will be in the hole for a long
time, but you'll be making progress and gaining confidence
along the way. Just keep climbing steady, keep your eyes focused
on the prize (His honor and your freedom), and you WILL get
out.
Many will be there along your journey to offer you false
"refreshment" that will only give you a temporary boost of
raw energy, only to leave you more thirsty and leave lactic
acid in your muscles, thus slowing your progress. Drink only
from the living water (Jer. 2:13) that truly refreshes and
nourishes.
So, why don't we start from the beginning and let me ask
you to do a few things:
- Write down when and where it is that you stumble and
give in to lust. Write ALL the places and situations down.
Then, email it to me. I'll get back to you
- You've already mentioned that a big source is being on
the computer when your family is asleep. Stop that right
away. Do NOT go on the computer when everyone is asleep.
Plan your day out and get all your work done before bed
time.
- You've been courageous thus far. I'm going to ask you
to go one step further. Tell your family what you've been
doing, ask them to keep you accountable, and pray together
about it. I know this is hard, but do it - your soul is
worth it. Will they be disappointed? I'm sure they will,
but honesty never loses. If you don't, then you're living
a lie and bearing false witness anyway. You are who you
are, no more, no less. This way, they know what you're going
through and can help keep you accountable. Honestly, I can
only be of so much help because I don't live with you. Utilize
those who do.
- Feed on the food you were created for - God through His
word. Pornography is a drug and a lie. It does what drugs
do by giving you a sensory high, while bringing your soul
to the toilet. You are a drug addict. I used to be. There
are two steps: get rid of all your drugs and all your access
to drugs, and then start feeding on real "food."
Write down, or perhaps paraphrase, and then meditate or
even memorize the following verses and keep them with you:
1 Cor. 6:18, Eph. 5:3-4, 1 Thess. 4:3-8, 1 Cor. 6:19-20,
Phil. 4:8
Have you been memorizing (a certain chapter of Scripture)?
Do it. Have you listened to the "Pursuing En-Gedi" series
yet? If not, I suggest you do ... and take notes.
Remember that it is always easier to avoid temptation than
to resist it. It's easier to not go into the ring at all
than to go into it and then try to resist "Tyson." Don't
even go there!
- 5. Gal. 5:13 tells us, "You were called to freedom (think
of it!) ..." Through Christ, you ARE free and ABLE to leave
sin! It goes on to say, "... only do not use your freedom
as an opportunity for the flesh (did you hear that?), but
through LOVE, serve one another."
So, brother, here's the last thing I want you to get started
in doing for the moment: start serving others - family, friends,
enemies, acquaintances. Write down or think of some people
each day, and then think of how you can serve and bless them
that day, and then do it in the name of Christ. You know how
you feel great after serving others selflessly and wholeheartedly?
The porn isn't even attractive during those times, is it?
Well, there's nothing that says you have to wait for those
designated times to serve others and duplicate the legitimate
thrill that comes from doing God's will.
Again, I think I can say a lot more (and I may in the future)
of the path of destruction that lies ahead of you if you continue,
including how you are continuing to damage your future marriage
with each ingestion of porn, but I'm going to stop now. I
do have some books for you to read, but we can talk about
that later.
I've given you 5 areas to get started with RIGHT AWAY. If
you are not willing to do them, I can no longer try to help
you in this area, no more than a nutrition, fitness, and diet
coach can work with someone who refuses to give up Twinkies
and soda from his diet.
Email me back and let me know what you think. I'll be praying
for you.
Arthur
Dear:
I just read what Arthur has written and I just want to offer
my own encouragement. Thank you for including me in your previous
email. It is harder to let someone of the opposite sex know
your struggle. Thanks for your willingness to be honest.
I want you to know that ALL young people, myself included,
have been fascinated with sexual stuff. It is kind of novel.
Satan is no dummy. In all this fascination, he offers all
sorts of short cuts and "cheap thrills". All that pornography
stuff is swap meet level, cheap 3rd rate sex. Sex and sexuality
are a lot more than having an ejaculation. Arthur and I have
learned in marriage that women are a lot more complicated
as sexual beings. We have our periods, we have babies, we
nurse our babies, we go through menopause. Yes, having intercourse
is also part of our sexual make-up but it is only a part.
When Satan limits "mankind" to that one expression of our
sexuality, he is really reducing something so grand and wonderful
to an animalistic, base, hormone driven act. I pray that you
will see the lie and trap that Satan wants you to fall into.
By God's grace and through a lot of ups and downs and struggles,
Arthur and I are learning to appreciate the full expression
of each other. How can you ever experience the full expression
of another person if you are ingraining in your mind and indulging
your senses to just see women as a way of getting your hormones
pumping? I want you to do what Arthur suggested and I also
want you to start seeing what is REALLY going on when you
settle for "cheap" sex.
We all have been through what you are going through. Trust
me, 99.9% of the people have been exposed to or dabbled in
the things that stimulate their hormones. Some people have
gotten stuck there and basically are oxen being drawn to the
slaughter (Proverbs 7:22). You are more than a bunch of hormones.
You have a will, mind, and most importantly the Holy Spirit.
Don't let Satan and your flesh lure you any further down the
road that reduces you to an animal. Exercise your freedom
to choose God's best and act like God's child, which you are.
If you do fall, pick yourself up, pray and ask the Lord
for renewed grace and strategy. For a long time I was an emotional
eater. I just ate for comfort. In a way, it is of the same
root as your temptation. My temptation was just seeking oral
gratification. From high school throughout college, I struggled.
I would be very disciplined for a while, just to give up.
I would eat anything and everything I craved and then feel
sick and depressed afterwards. How did I eventually gain control
over it? Well, it has been a long journey. I think I had to
first let go of being more worried about the consequences
of the sin and the appearance to others than the actual sin
itself. I was more worried about getting fat than I was over
the wrongful misuse and indulgence of food. For you, it will
mean admitting your weakness, which you have just done to
us.
Second, I had to get my mind retooled and study God's purpose
for food. Food is a good thing. It has just been sorely misrepresented
and abused by our own desire for pleasure on our own terms.
The stuff our society calls "food" is not really food. It
is just stuff to give us oral gratification and indulge our
senses. You need to do an extensive study yourself on what
God designed sex for and what He did not design sex for. It
is not just a bunch of "don'ts", but there is a very good,
beautiful place for sex and you need to search to be able
to walk the road that leads there. I had to do the same with
food. It wasn't good enough to just eat less to get thin.
Getting thin would just lead me to take pride. What's the
difference between overindulgence and pride? They are both
missing the mark. Our bodies belong to the Lord, and we are
just stewards of His property (Romans 12:1). We are not free
to use these bodies in a way that does not honor Him. May
we keep that Truth in our hearts and minds.
You don't want to be a sexual pervert or sexual prude. You
need to have a God-defined view and purpose of sex. That comes
from much digging in His word as well as talking with Him.
It's a journey but one that you need to embark on. You will
come out victorious by His grace and what was once your weakness
and shame will become your glory and delight. He desires this
for you. The best sex in marriage is unselfish sex that considers
the other person over their own desires.
Anyway, just a few thoughts that will hopefully give you
renewed strength and direction on where you are going and
what His desire and purpose is for you.
Love in Him,
Sandra
Go to Arthur's E-mail
For further excellent articles/responses to help you, go
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